Shame puts a spell on us.
I watched a documentary this week on the college admissions cheating scandal Operation Varsity Blues. The documentary highlighted Rick Singer (as the orchestrator of the admissions scam), as well as a sampling of the parents who had participated. One parent especially stood out to me. According to the narrator, this working mom went from “I feel guilty about working and not spending more time with my children” to “I am a bad mother” to “I need to arrange to have my child attend the best school possible, even if I have to engage in illegal and illicit activity to get my child through admissions.”
Shame comes when we internalize guilt.
Guilt says we made a bad decision.
Shame says we are that bad decision.
Shame says we are the sum of all of our bad decisions and mistakes. When shame becomes part of our identity, it affects our body, mind and soul. It affects our ability to make good decisions, which then cements the shame cycles.
Once we believe the voice of shame, we often become susceptible to relinquishing control of our decisions to someone else, hoping they will provide a solution for our shame. For the mom in the documentary, guilt about not spending more time with her children turned into the shame label: “I am a bad mother” and the narrator commentated that Singer was then able to manipulatively lead the shame-filled parent into illegal behavior.
I may not face someone convincing me to drop a few mil on getting my kids into their reach schools, but my own susceptibility is no less real.
Living with internalized shame leaves me susceptible to people and situations that are all too willing to capitalize on that susceptibility, whether it’s a college admissions counselor offering side doors to the country’s top universities, a manipulative relationship in my personal or work life, or the products lining the aisles of Target, enticing me to stash all my shame in a woven rattan box and close the lid.
The hope is in the actual antidote to shame, which Brené Brown identifies as empathy.
Speaking out, breaking the power of silence and secrecy and then being met with empathy in place of judgment is the antidote to the poison of shame.
I don’t believe in fairytales, but I do believe one empathetic voice can break the spell of shame.
I believe in the power of emptying, acknowledging and addressing the contents of the woven rattan box in a space free of judgment.
This is how I’m learning to see Jesus:
Holding space for me to bring my boxes of hidden shame, removing the lid, acknowledging the contents and addressing them.
Speaking truth with empathy and with empathy drawing out the truth.
Breaking the spell of shame.
Uncovering Real 