Week 6: “What Did I Miss”

Donna Joy

(I’m already on my way to get to the bottom of this….what did I miss?)

I’ve chosen to evaluate my belongings in the context of categories instead of room by room, which has been really helpful for me. I like thinking about the items in terms of how I use them, why I purchase them, and how/where/how long I store them as a whole group. However, this approach also makes it possible for things to be passed over, either because they get forgotten, or put off, or are hiding. 

So I’m dedicating this week to addressing what I’ve missed along the way. Some of it will be going room by room and evaluating items that never quite fit one of the 5 weeks so far. Some of it will be putting some spaces back together.

I sorted through my sentimental items and photos this past week, but they’ve been sitting in their sorted piles around my house for a few days as I’ve debated how to store them. After checking all the boxes and bins I’ve emptied from other categories recently, I found bins that will work well for most of the sentimental items that made the cut, but not my photos. (not even the photo boxes I bought for games before sorting my games, then realized I didn’t need. whomp-whomp.) I hemmed and hawed and tried dresser drawers and all sorts of unconventional places, then finally decided I was spending more time and effort trying to avoid buying something new than it was worth. So I ordered a few boxes, after checking the measurements several times to ensure they’d fit the senior portrait packages, class photos and other pictures that are designed to never fit neatly in a standard size box.
In the meantime, the piles of photos and sentimental items laying around feel heavy and stressful, compared to the spaces I’ve been working on lightening up, and the spaces I’ve let them stack up are already starting to act like clutter magnets.  This week, I want to complete those leftover tasks that are weighing down my spaces and for the spaces I haven’t addressed yet, I plan to try out a method of decluttering I’ve been avoiding like a child being offered brussel sprouts. 

Because…brussel sprouts are one of my favorite foods now, so…maybe it’s worth a shot, too? 

Photo Contents: Piles of photos, each with the lid of a different box that proved to be too small for the sizes of photos I want to store in them, so here they sit, awaiting their new homes.

On Wednesdays We Reflect: Week 5 Reflections

Donna Joy

Shame puts a spell on us. 

I watched a documentary this week on the college admissions cheating scandal Operation Varsity Blues. The documentary highlighted Rick Singer (as the orchestrator of the admissions scam), as well as a sampling of the parents who had participated. One parent especially stood out to me. According to the narrator, this working mom went from “I feel guilty about working and not spending more time with my children” to “I am a bad mother” to “I need to arrange to have my child attend the best school possible, even if I have to engage in illegal and illicit activity to get my child through admissions.” 

Shame comes when we internalize guilt.
Guilt says we made a bad decision.
Shame says we are that bad decision.
Shame says we are the sum of all of our bad decisions and mistakes. When shame becomes part of our identity, it affects our body, mind and soul. It affects our ability to make good decisions, which then cements the shame cycles.

Once we believe the voice of shame, we often become susceptible to relinquishing control of our decisions to someone else, hoping they will provide a solution for our shame. For the mom in the documentary, guilt about not spending more time with her children turned into the shame label: “I am a bad mother” and the narrator commentated that Singer was then able to manipulatively lead the shame-filled parent into illegal behavior.

I may not face someone convincing me to drop a few mil on getting my kids into their reach schools, but my own susceptibility is no less real.

Living with internalized shame leaves me susceptible to people and situations that are all too willing to capitalize on that susceptibility, whether it’s a college admissions counselor offering side doors to the country’s top universities, a manipulative relationship in my personal or work life, or the products lining the aisles of Target, enticing me to stash all my shame in a woven rattan box and close the lid.

The hope is in the actual antidote to shame, which Brené Brown identifies as empathy.

Speaking out, breaking the power of silence and secrecy and then being met with empathy in place of judgment is the antidote to the poison of shame.

I don’t believe in fairytales, but I do believe one empathetic voice can break the spell of shame.

I believe in the power of emptying, acknowledging and addressing the contents of the woven rattan box in a space free of judgment.

This is how I’m learning to see Jesus:

Holding space for me to bring my boxes of hidden shame, removing the lid, acknowledging the contents and addressing them. 

Speaking truth with empathy and with empathy drawing out the truth. 

Breaking the spell of shame.

Week 5, Day 6: More Photos

Donna Joy

One of the things I was looking forward to in this journey was gaining more of an awareness of what I have. It is so easy for me to live disconnected in so many areas – I don’t grow my own food, I don’t make my own clothes, life is increasingly virtual – especially this past year. The act of going through my possessions is bringing a level of awareness of what I own but it is also breaking through disconnection in other ways.

Going through my photos forces me to see what I have in a different way. It reminds me of the variety of experiences I’ve been able to have, from the births of my children, to bowling with friends on a random trip to Illinois; Singing in choirs from churches to Carnegie Hall to more outdoor adventures than I could remember; weddings, funerals, parties and memorials. It reminds me of relationships that have spanned decades and relationships that have come and gone, or changed significantly. It reminds me of the thoughts I had at the very beginning of this blog:

“The transformation from dust and to dust is not limited to just our literal birth and death, it is found in every season of our lives. In every season there are cycles of creation, dust, waiting and re-creation.”

Some photos were reminders of the dust, some were reminders of the cycles of creation I see in my relationships. I loved reaching out to a few friends and family members this week, sharing with them some of the little memories I found. I loved sitting with my child at the end of a long day, reminiscing and laughing at old school journals and projects.

And I love that there is still room my photo boxes. There are seasons of recreation still to come, and more photos to be taken.

Image Contents: A throw-back photo of the author and her favorite childhood dog (a Great Dane), posing like horse and jockey.

Week 5, Day 5: Photos

Donna Joy

Back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Today I continued sentimental. I could do a month in this category alone.

While there are numerous other things I could round out the week with, I decided to face my photos. 

I’m old enough to have lived through disposable cameras, 35mm film, and the Official Scrapbooking Parties where you paid money for a salesperson to teach you the only way to respect your loved ones is to buy all of the salesperson’s official Acid Free photo paper, albums, stickers, markers, pens, scissors, trimmers, protectors and other accessories and write a scrapbook novel highlighting the incredibly special photos in each sleeve of pictures you picked up at the one-hour photo center.

And I have photos from all of those periods.

Including photos from at least 2 of those parties. 

And let’s face it.  If my donation sale was stocked in part by all the crafts I realized I will never have time to master or even attempt well, I can be pretty stinking sure I am not scrapbooking the photos from my junior high youth group game night anytime soon. (Confession: my mind just designed a horrifying scrapbook for it anyway, complete with a hypercolor cover, neon paper and photos held in place by aqua-net super hold. Long live the 80s and may it rest in peace and never return.) (Another confession: I actually went to jr. high and high school mostly in the 90s, but aqua net hairspray takes a long time to wash out of your life.)

ANYWAY, I approached photos today in the strength of knowing I did not need to make this a craft project. I also did not need to feel shame about how disorganized they are, or guilt for not having done anything with them earlier beyond tossing photos in photo boxes, sometimes randomly. Life can be hard and for me, in-depth photo organization is one thing I don’t really regret letting go. 

I kept my process SUPER simple, because anything more and I would be overwhelmed and not have the capacity to complete it.

I got out my trusty post-its (I decluttered a lot of them a few weeks ago, but kept a few different sizes and colors because those things make every project better and I love them) and set labels out in front of me: one for each of my 3 children alone, one for friends, extended family, etc. 

One by one I pulled photo boxes down from their shelf and sorted the photos into those piles. 

Every few photos, my old voices would try to interrupt: Shouldn’t you be organizing this by date? I can’t believe you haven’t labelled every picture. What if you die and no one knows if this photo is son 1 or son 2? Wait, is that son 1 or son 2? Wow, you’re a really bad mom. and photo organizer. 

Over and over I shushed the shame and reminded myself that anything I do today is better than it was yesterday. I got through about half my photos boxes today. For that group, I now know what photos I have. I know where to look if there’s a photo I want to show someone or use for something. 

And for today, that is enough.

Oh, and I also know I no longer need to store precious gems like this double vision photo. buh-bye. 

Week 5, Day 4: Donation Garage Sale Part 2

Donna Joy

There are experts who will tell you never to have a garage sale. (You end up storing stuff to wait for it, you never get a good return on your time, you waste time and money prepping for it, etc.)

There are experts who tell you to definitely have a garage sale. (sell EVERYTHING on your path to get out of debt, get rid of your stuff and make a little cash doing it, etc.)

I have typically been closer to the first camp. I’ve hosted a couple garage sales in the past, but they’ve always been fundraisers for specific organizations or causes I care about. For those, I gathered help, made a plan in advance for the leftovers, set up refreshments manned by adorable little bakers and lemonade servers, merchandized the inventory and advertised extensively.

This was the first time I’ve ever said, “hey, I should have a garage sale, right now, in the middle of the afternoon, while I’m home by myself and haven’t told anyone to advertise.”

A few things I learned anyway:

-It.is.exhausting. Even just the set up/tear down process of dragging everything out, dragging everything in when it got dark, dragging it back out the next day, dragging it to the garage or curb or car trunk after. Then comes getting rid of the leftovers, not to mention any time manning it.

-It is typically a horrible return on investment. Granted, some of the fundraisers I’ve had in the past brought in a very significant amount of money donated, and this one today most likely would have been much more profitable had I scheduled and advertised ahead, employed help, etc. 

-If you tell someone you are having a garage sale, 99.9999999% of the time, they will offer you their own items to bring to sell. Or they’ll just drop them off at your house. when you’re not there. on your driveway. in unmarked bags. with no contact info. 

-At least one middle aged or older man will drive by the garage sale and ask “well then, how much for the garage?”

-people will come by and say, “this is so nice, I can’t believe you’re just getting rid of it” and you will have to decide how much you want to tell a complete stranger about your journey to less stuff while standing with masks on talking across a lawn. Or the version from people who know you, “I can’t believe you’re getting rid of THIS!” (that comment from friends was usually referring craft items.)

After hosting my, uh, pop-up sale (does that make it sound more modern, inviting, and trendy than “last-minute garage sale?”) I confirmed garage sales are not my jam.

I loved getting to see some friends and neighbors I haven’t seen in at least a year. I loved gathering donation money from it. I loved getting rid of stuff. But it was 2 days of work I wasn’t planning on doing and I still have lots of stuff left to donate. (Plus two unidentified bags of donations.)

If you are getting out of debt or saving for a specific goal, go for it. Sell like it’s your job. 

If you’re just trying to get rid of stuff, just get rid of your stuff.

For me, getting rid of (the rest of) my stuff is going to mean a little tour of donation centers over the next couple days and I can.not.wait to come back home after it’s all delivered and assess how everything looks and feels. 

Week 5, Day 3: Breaking News

Donna Joy

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming for an important update:

Today I had an epiphany.

Like, a this-is-life-changing-while-also-super-obvious-why-didn’t-I realize-this-earlier-I-even-wrote-a-whole-post-about-it, kind of epiphany.

I am not motivated by shame.

I am stressed by shame.

I am physically afflicted by shame.

I am not motivated by shame.

And yet somehow, when I started this journey, I thought the most helpful and motivating thing for myself would be to keep every single item I am removing from my home in one place, so I could see the impact all together. (Read: so I could sit at the end of the challenge and wallow in a big old pile of shame clutter and hope those shame surges would motivate me to not bring so much stuff into my house in the future.)

Here’s what actually happened:

Everyday I put more and more donation items in my son’s bedroom (while he is away at college).

I balanced bags on top of boxes on top of bags. 

I got multiple piles in and started thinking about how I need to go back and re-organize what’s in there, since I realized partway through, I will likely give different types of items to different organizations.

I spent a significant amount of time with the back of my head clogged with thoughts about how I needed to Organize.The.Clutter.I’m.Giving.Away.

Let that sit a second.

Every time I go in the give-away room I’m stressed at trying to find a place for things, to the point that some things have lingered in other rooms instead of going straight to give-away because I was avoiding going in there. 

Then yesterday I decided to move some furniture around in my living/dining room.

As I walked into the rearranged room today, I caught my breath at how beautiful and peaceful it was.

I instantly wanted to do more and have that feeling in the rest of the house. 

That motivated me.

It made me feel free, lighter, peaceful. 

Right then I decided to immediately get rid of as much of my donations as possible. 

I walked outside and stuck a sign on the front yard, along with a post in my local swap and sell group that I was having a “donate what you can, if you can” sale, along with a donation link to my favorite non-profit.

It was late in the day for an outdoor “sale” and very last minute, but even so, a number of items now have very happy new owners and the non-profit has a little more money than they did yesterday. 

There are still lots of things left, so I plan to put the remainder out for one more day. Then I’ll box anything left back up, deliver it this week, and let the house and myself breathe a little deeper and feel a little freer. 

Because it turns out, being able to breathe a little deeper and a little freer is what really motivates me. 

Week 5, Day 2: Kids’ Sentimental (Paper)

Donna Joy

Today was probably the easiest collection of sentimental items I’ll go through this week.

I have a giant tub that I’ve been randomly throwing kids’ sentimental things into for… apparently two decades. I’ve also kept kids’ memorabilia randomly throughout the house in other places.

My kids are getting to the age that I can potentially… possibly… maybe see them flying the nest. Someday. I never want to suffocate them with inherited clutter, but I would like to be able to offer them each a box of some of their own memorabilia to choose what they’d like to keep. So… I took some time today to gather children’s papers from various spots around my house, combine the piles and separate the items into separate bins for each child.

It was so much fun looking through the all the memories and laughing with my kids at old art work and stories. 

It was also a great workout to build up my muscles to face pictures, and the rest of my sentimental items for the remainder of this week. 

Image contents: 3 separated piles of paper memorabilia from my children, including art projects, grades, cards, and quite a few years of Mother’s Day gifts that say some version of “I love my mom because she makes me dinner” or “because she buys me Lego,” apparently my two best qualities, from the perspective of always hungry lego maniacs.

Week 5 day 1: Starting Sentimental

Donna Joy

I’m so glad I worked through the post yesterday about the voices of my clutter before starting a week of sentimental items today. 

I’ve been holding off on sentimental items until I worked up some of my decluttering muscles and had started to become stronger in my decision making. I knew I’d start drowning if I jumped right in to the quicksand of sentimental clutter the first week.

I know some people say not to worry about getting rid of sentimental items because it’s not getting rid of the memory, you still have the memory, even if you don’t have the item. 

BUT….

I have an AWFUL memory and I love going through the various mementos I’ve saved and remembering things I’ve forgotten. 

We tend to think of sentimental things as the happy memories we want to go back to. Our photo albums are filled with smiling faces, mostly because we only take pictures of the smiling moments.

However, the memories I was confronted with as I went through the boxes in my room had a lot of voices and they were not all smiling, happy, or even kind. 

It was an emotional day as I went through each item. It was a lot to process, and I’m not ready to write about all of it. 

For today, just a little encouragement:

Take the time to send a note to someone you’re thinking of.

They may just keep it for 30 years in a drawer in their bedroom and get a little smile when they find it.

On Wednesdays We Reflect: Week 4 Reflections

Donna Joy

My stuff talks smack about me.

(in case you’re confused about the difference between smack talk and trash talk, here’s a helpful tutorial from Kelly Kapoor)

I open up my cabinet and the Instant Pot taunts me: “how many times have you really pulled me off this shelf and used me?”

I open my closet and clothes scream, “hey there, chubby, you don’t think you could actually wear me, do you?”

I open a drawer in my craft dresser, and the watercolor pencils say, “woah, remember the last time you tried to use me? You were soooo bad at it!”

Everywhere I have clutter, there is a voice emanating from it. And they’re rarely kind:

“quitter”

“worthless”

 “idiot”

“slacker”

“slob”

“loser”

“hack”

And those voices aren’t just mean. They’re loud. Loud enough to drown out other voices I want to hear and need to hear. 

Some of my things actually have beautiful voices. I love fresh flowers and I usually keep a few small arrangements in different rooms of my house. Sometimes it’s just a few sprigs of pine or wildflowers from the yard, sometimes it’s a bouquet from the grocery store, but those flowers typically sing reminders to me that there is beauty in the world.

I don’t want to drown out those beautiful voices. 

I also don’t want to drown out the voices that truly help me become a better person.

But clutter doesn’t make me become a better person. Clutter doesn’t speak encouragement or motivation, it speaks shame. And voices of shame rarely motivate us to grow. In fact, researcher, author, and speaker Brené Brown defines shame as,

“the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure.” (you can find more of Brené’s work here)

I hear the watercolor pencils tell me I am flawed every time I open the craft drawer. I feel the shame of unworthiness when my closet is filled with clothes that don’t fit. 

As I declutter my home, I am realizing how powerful those voices can be, even when I don’t realize they’re speaking to me. They can create shame patterns that spiral into the hurtful and destructive cycles Brené acknowledge. 

There are a lot of voices I need to listen to, like the voice that tells me I am wonderfully made, fully and beautifully loved.

I also need to listen to the voices that help me grow – like the voices of loving friends, or the fresh veggies calling out to be chosen over the leftover soda bread. 

It’s one thing to silence the voice of an underused Instant Pot, accessory or craft item. It would be a whole other thing to try to silence the voice of an upside-down budget by shredding your bills instead of paying them. I’m not advocating for shirking responsibility but reminding myself that it’s ok to remove voices that speak unnecessary and destructive shame from my life in order to clear space for what is really necessary and beneficial in my life. 

Anyone want a barely used Instant Pot?

Week 4, Day 6: Forming Habits and Muscles

Donna Joy

Today I took a break from slogging through a few disaster zones in my basement and came upstairs to empty the dishwasher.

<pause for a moment of gratitude for a working dishwasher>

As I put a clean measuring spoon back in its holder, I noticed a couple sets of measuring spoons already there. My daughter and I love to bake, and I have kept a few sets of measuring spoons on hand for years so we can measure out multiple ingredients without having to pause to wash measuring spoons in the middle of a recipe. But while I am incredibly happy to have a working dishwasher again, the last few months without one helped remind me that it actually is possible to wash all your dishes by hand, especially if you need a quick turn-around. Who knew? 

I stacked up my favorite set of measuring spoons (the only ones narrow enough to fit in some of my spice jars) and removed all the others: Thank you for your service, buh-bye. As I turned back to finish emptying the dishwasher, I realized what had just happened.

The process of evaluating those measuring spoons was practically subconscious and completed before I realized what I was doing. All of the decision-heavy, time-consuming, slow work of decluttering each space and category of my home has been building decluttering muscles and forming habits in me. 

Wax on, wax off, paint the fence, and wash the car – all along I’ve been reducing my tolerance for clutter and building not just declutter muscles, but decision-making muscles.

NOTE: This was where I was going to insert a calm picture of our charming pink dinosaur holding our only remaining set of measuring spoons. But someone used…quite possibly every baking tool we own while creating carrot cake cupcakes and cream cheese frosting tonight, and they are all currently strewn about the kitchen. (Did I mention how thankful I am for my new dishwasher?) We’re all about keeping it real here, folks.