On Wednesdays We Reflect: What is Love (Baby, Don’t Hurt Me, No More)

What is the basis of healthy relationships? 

Love. 

Love is the motivation and the language and the boundaries. 

Never has something been written about more, or understood and practiced less. 

If we want healthy relationships – real relationships – we need love. 

Love is the imperative.

So what is love? What is loving?

All I keep coming back to is that love is grace and truth and love doesn’t look the same in every situation. That’s part of what makes love so hard to define.

We are provided with frameworks for love and then we begin to systematize Love. We turn the poetic descriptions into rules and then weaponize the rules and call it faith.

Love is not a weapon.

What does it look like to love, to actually love, in every situation, and to recognize that love may not look the same in every situation?

What does it look like to think about how our love offerings may be perceived and received by others?

As I have considered what it means to be loving, I’ve spent time reading through 1 Corinthians 13. It’s one of the most commonly quoted sections of scripture regarding the subject of love, so commonly quoted it is known as “the love chapter,” and like so many other descriptions of love, it has not just been quoted but also misquoted, misunderstood, misused, and weaponized. As I read through the chapter, I considered each section, and thought about how Jesus applied love in various circumstances.

LOVE is patient

 And with WISDOM, there is a time LOVE says, “enough”

LOVE is kind

 Kind is not necessarily nice. Kind is not passive. Kind is not permissive.

LOVE does not envy

 LOVE sees that what is sacrificially given multiplies.

LOVE does not boast

 It’s not mine, it never was mine,

 boasting is grasping and when we grasp, we strangle LOVE

LOVE is not proud

 LOVE is vulnerable. Open palms facing up.

LOVE does not dishonor others.

 LOVE holds space for humanity and God in you.

 LOVE does not permit space for evil actions.

LOVE is not self-seeking

 Self is temporary. LOVE is eternal. Self is finite, LOVE is infinite

LOVE is not easily angered

 LOVE can reach anger. LOVE uses anger. LOVE does not start with anger.

LOVE keeps no record of wrongs

 LOVE does not count the spots on the apple, and LOVE recognizes poisoned fruit.

LOVE does not delight in evil

 No matter the justification. No matter the situation. No matter the perpetrator.

LOVE rejoices with the truth

 No matter the difficulty. No matter the situation. No matter the speaker.

LOVE always protects

 Protects truth, not lies. Protects honor, not evil. Protects kindness, not pride.

LOVE always trusts

 Rejoicing with the truth and taking no delight in evil.

LOVE always hopes

 With surety and faith, not wishes.

LOVE always perseveres.

 Patiently protesting,

 giving and releasing,

 honoring truth,

 protecting in kindness

 and hoping,

 always active.

Season Two: How Do We Reengage?

Like little flowers poking through cement, there are signs of life peeking out all around me after what has felt like a very long cold lonely winter, literally and metaphorically.

Vaccinations are increasing, restrictions are lifting, and people are testing out various ways of engaging in social activities. 

There have been a lot of things I’ve relished through this passing season of isolation.

I’ve enjoyed beginning friendships with people around the world I likely never would have engaged with if I was caught up in my in-person life a few years ago.

I’ve loved the variety of online churches, podcasts, and blogs I’ve been able to seek out. 

I’ve loved gathering around the table, sharing a meal with my family during a service or event.

I’ve loved being able to pause videos and discuss questions or look up references, rewinding to get a second listen to something I missed or didn’t understand. 

I LOVE that I can’t remember how long it’s been since I stood awkwardly through an in-person church “Meet and Greet” moment in the middle of a service.

Quarantine has been a really good excuse not to participate in uncomfortable things.

It can be temptingly easy to hide behind a laptop screen, text wall, and quarantined home instead of engaging with people.

I legitimately stand by our decisions about the level of separation we engaged in…..and….It can also turn into an excuse.

But Covid and other physical health issues aren’t the only reason we end up separated and isolated. 

My season of separation began long before Covid was a thing.

Getting divorced in a culture which holds to (largely unwritten) beliefs about divorce being one of the only sins which wasn’t covered on the cross (along with homosexuality, views on hymns vs. choruses and coffee’s place in a sanctuary) will drastically limit your involvement in many circles.

So will questioning the practices and rules of your faith system.

And like the isolation of COVID, there can be benefits to having some time alone AND it can become a shroud we choose to surround ourselves with, keeping ourselves quarantined and isolated because of the words and actions of others, and by our own choices. 

As the ice melts, the vaccines roll out, and my counselor gently challenges me, I feel the possibilities of the world opening up. 

The world opening up is not just about getting back to what we’ve always done.

Any season of separation or change is an opportunity to re-evaluate how we want to engage moving forward. It’s also a challenge to stretch out and strengthen muscles which have atrophied during lack of use. 

One new friend told me they feel like they’ve forgotten how to do date nights, or anything special. 

How do we re-engage in relationships intentionally – not just falling back into old patterns, but taking the time to evaluate what’s important to us, what our boundaries are, and what creates healthy relationships?

How do we dig out from under old habits, rules, and expectations we used to be buried under to Uncover Real relationships?

I don’t know.

But I’m looking forward to spending Season 2 of Uncovering Real exploring how we evaluate and pursue healthy relationships.

Join me here for Season 2 of Uncovering Real every Monday, Wednesday and Friday as I walk through different relationships (Mondays), reflect on what relationships have to do with faith (Wednesdays) and highlight artists that challenge and encourage me (Fridays).

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